What do I sound like?

This weekend has been such a blessing.  Some much needed time off and away that didn't involve volunteering somewhere, loss or illness.  We headed to Lincoln City and stayed at a beach side room.

Lincoln has been so much fun to watch. He loves the beach, the freedom to run. look for and throw rocks and discovering his shadow.  As he is growing so is his vocabulary.  Dogs, which he used to call doughg, are now woof woofs. Fans are hims pursing his lips and blowing out.  Birds, which he used to call bir or flies, are pee peets.  That's the best imitation of the seagulls cry he could do and he yells "pee peet!" every time he sees one.

On another note, it has afforded my the luxury of catching up on my reading for my women's group at church. while basking in the beauty of God's creation.  We are studying "SHE'S GOT ISSUES: Seriously good news for stressed out, secretly sacred control freaks like us" by Nicole Unice.  A fantastic book on how things that are considered a normal part of a woman's life, such as control, insecurity, and comparison, actually keep us from the abundant living promised by Christ.  

I got me thinking...if I had to be described by how I sounded, what would it be? Would it be a tone of love, anger, comfort, scolding, nagging or yelling?  I am almost scared to find out! We all have a perspective and point of view when we speak, and I have noticed in life, so many people are completely unaware of how they come across.  

I tend to forget about the times I was cross or yelled or nagged, but instead remember all the good things about my communication.  Depending on the person I am thinking of, I too can remember all the good, kind things or the exact opposite   I am praying that I can see others with the love, grace and mercy God sees not just them, but myself with too.

Between the quiet time this weekend and Lincoln's new identifiers, they have me thinking and reworking my heart in all sorts of ways. Not in a way that is condemning but convicting. I pray that if I was to be described by a sound, it would be a joyful and loving one, but also that my actions would speak louder than my "sounds".  I have a renewed hope for a better me, the me God has always seen me as and has be molding me into. 

Thunder Storms in Life

It's Thursday and this last week has seemed endless. The thunder storm this morning seemed a perfect descriptor to what I've been through.  What started with hope and anticipation, lead to worry, heart ache, then devastation, grief, and sorrow.  Peace is breaking its way in.  A sense of calm.  There is still sadness and tears but not so much that I feel consumed.

5 weeks ago, Steve and I were shocked but thrilled to find out we were pregnant again.  It was amazing and we were so grateful we were given the opportunity to have another baby.  We were ready to tell the world next week after we had an ultrasound. I was dreaming about how I would want to announce.  Just the pic of our darling gummy bear like last time, or be a little creative and come up with a photo of some sort.

Then Sunday came.  I was feeling a little off, super emotional and fighting a migraine.  Monday I woke up with a terrible headache and cold like symptoms.  Then the cramping and spotting started.  Praying it was normal I tried to ignore it and took it easy.  Things got worse Monday night.  Tuesday morning I called the doctor and things so far sounded okay so I was again just supposed to rest. By that afternoon it became apparent that this was no longer normal and something was wrong.  Another call, and I had an ultra sound scheduled for the next morning and an appointment that afternoon to meet with a physician for the results.  Awesome...6 hours of waiting and to top it off, my OB was on vacation so it was someone I didn't know.

The irrational side of me was going to try to go to work before the 1st appointment.  It's employee evaluation time and I am soooo behind.  But I was such a hormonal wreck and the whopping 8 hours of sleep I'd had the last two days were starting to catch up. One weepy phone call later and I was off for the rest of the week. Now just waiting for the appointments.

I was scouring babycenter and their groups, trying to find a story that sounded like mine but ended up okay.  I was ready to be on bed rest if I needed. Praying for any complication that would cause this bleeding.  Deep down I knew it wasn't okay but I wanted to flame that tiny spark of hope

I was trying so hard to keep it together as we pulled into the clinic parking lot.  Thank God there weren't a lot of cars there.  No one else was in the lobby either...another blessing.  When I checked in, I found my friend, who is the ultrasound tech, had found an opening in the schedule right after my ultrasound so I didn't have to come back.  What a blessing!

We started the ultrasound and I could tell by how little my uterus looked that something wasn't right.  It was much bigger at this stage with Lincoln.  Structurally everything looked good for me, and then we looked at the baby.  It was too little and there wasn't a heart beat.  My little angel stopped growing and passed away 3 weeks ago. I don't know why but someone that was more comforting to me than the thought of my body just rejecting the baby all together (I had read some pretty horrible and descriptive stories online...don't recommend it).

Some how I held it together until we got the to room to meet with the physician.  While slightly awkward being with staff I didn't know, they all were so sweet and understanding.  The doctor was great, answered all my questions.  Agreed on a plan for things to go naturally, but had instructions if certain complications arise.

Steve and I just sat in the car for a while.  I cried, called my mom.  Started dealing with what was happening know that we knew for sure.

As the day progressed, things physically became more difficult but I almost didn't mind.  It is like my  body is grieving with me.  Some physical pain to go along with the emotional pain. I'm still mad at my body.  I feel like it betrayed me for 3 weeks.  I still felt so pregnant, yet my baby was already in heaven.  That is one thing I am clinging to.  That my sweet babe is there already in the arms of Jesus.

And THANK GOD for Lincoln.  Having him to hold, kiss and cuddle has been so wonderful.  I can't imagine how empty I would feel without a baby physically here.

So I am up this morning and shortly after a crack of lightening lights up my living room.  Intense thunder follows, this goes on for a while. A part of me feels scared, which is weird because usually I am the first one up for some good thunder and lightening display. Maybe it is just the raw state of my emotions, maybe it's the lack of control over things I have and now it's being displayed in the skies for me to see.  What ever it was, I was overwhelmed with God's sense of peace. I felt like He was telling my heart "give this to me" and I try.

My mind has been running through future hurts with the loss of the baby.  It's due date, the pictures I had planned on taking on certain holidays, trips already planned with the baby in mind.  They are going to hurt, but I can curl up in God's arms and just rest in Him.  He's in control.  I don't understand everything, and never presume I will but I don't need to hang onto to worry. Worrying keeps me from trusting and enjoying God's presence.

I think I have rambled enough for now.  I can't thank my family and friends enough for the outpouring of love and support during this very difficult time.  Even if their first knowing of the baby was hearing of its passing I feel they are mourning with us. Thank you so much!

What a coincidence

I had the TV on in the background while working and dealing with Lincoln. Anthony Bourdain's no reservations came on and it was in Port Au Prince Haiti. It piqued my interested since I had been there in November 2010. I had ties to Haiti before that. My dear friends the Mattenley's had lived there and adopted two girls, we also had connections to Haitian Christian Mission there and had met it's founder Etienne Proffet before. My sister and some very close friends were in Haiti when the earthquake struck. Many miraculous things happened on that trip. Maybe I'll write about them at another time.

Anyway, as the show continued I realized he was filming when we were down there. Hurricane Tomas was set to hit the country while we were down there and he was filming about that too. It brought back some many memories. I remember being overcome with emotion as we flew in. Just seeing the devastation and living standards for hundreds of thousands of people made me cry. Tears are still brought to my eyes thinking about it.

There is so much wrong there and so much potential but it is not an easy fix. Even on the show one of the most common problems there was displayed. Anthony was at a little restaurant and there were many hungry kids just watching him eat. He and his crew decided to buy them all lunch. It was the least they could do. It soon became a mob. Hundreds came for free food, men pushed their way to the front of the line, fights broke out; it was chaos.

We experienced the same thing when we were down there. We drew a crowd where ever we went. Some just were happy to have someone there to listen to their story and it was amazing to hear what they had been through. But as we were talking more and more people gathered. It was overwhelming. They'd start tugging on you, people begging for money or the shirt off your back. It is so hard when you have so much but you could give your entire self and it wouldn't be enough. There has to be a huge change in the culture and government.

We, while intentions are good, are just enabling the problem when we throw money at it. It's such a heartbreaking thing and overwhelming. There is good happening there and there is so much potential. There needs to be a generation that stands up and decides to change their country. I am happy to know and support some groups down there doing amazing things. Haitian Christian Missions is one and our friends the Mattenley's are another. You can read about their work at mattenley.com orhttp://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=4332546856632522435#allposts

What to say,,,where to start

I've wanted to start a blog for a while.  A place to share my thoughts and experiences as I journey through life.  I'm not a great writer. I tend to share too much at times or have verbal diarrhea which leads to extensive editing. So what once was an offering comparable to an amazing, freshly baked loaf of bread is now the ancient, stale crust that is not appealing at all.  But here it goes, it'll be interesting to see where it takes me. I'm not expecting any rhyme or reason to my blog, it may be reflecting on something  currently happening or maybe a way to record past memories or experiences.

Lincoln is taking a rare morning nap so I sat down with a cup of coffee this morning and started doing some Bible study. The communion mediation yesterday at church was excellent.  It started with 1 John 3:1 Behold what manner of love the Father hath bestowed upon us, that we should be called children of God; and such we are. 

As I read the rest of the chapter it was amazing how well it tied into what our pastor spoke about yesterday in his sermon.  He was talking about speaking and living in truth and love, which can be changed to legalism and liberalism to a crippling point.  What are we going to chose to do, live to please man or live to bring glory to God? Can we do both? How do we keep that balance? One one hand we know we can't earn our way to heaven, salvation is a free gift.  So that's it, we just accept and don't need to do anything else.  We are saved, God can't love us anymore than He does now, so why do I need to change anything?

On the other hand, yes, we can't earn our way to heaven but we can use this life to reflect Christ and the Holy Spirit living in us. We can start to beat ourselves up as we try to live holy live and fail. As our pastor says Satan steps in an rains down condemnation on us instead of conviction which is of the Holy Spirit.

Where is the balance, where do truth, mercy grace and love meet? In 1 John 3 it talks about our sin nature and how as we live in and belong to Christ our life will reflect that.  If there isn't change we belong to the devil and continue to sin.  The end of the chapter sums it up best  

 John 3
18 Dear children, let’s not merely say that we love each other; let us show the truth by our actions.19 Our actions will show that we belong to the truth, so we will be confident when we stand before God.
20 Even if we feel guilty, God is greater than our feelings, and he knows everything.21 Dear friends, if we don’t feel guilty, we can come to God with bold confidence.
22 And we will receive from him whatever we ask because we obey him and do the things that please him.23 And this is his commandment: We must believe in the name of his Son, Jesus Christ, and love one another, just as he commanded us.
24 Those who obey God’s commandments remain in fellowship with him, and he with them. And we know he lives in us because the Spirit he gave us lives in us.

Good words to meditate on and work on living out this week.  This post is much longer than I initially intended.  My quiet time lead me on number of other searches as well this morning, but I will share that at another time.