It's Thursday and this last week has seemed endless. The thunder storm this morning seemed a perfect descriptor to what I've been through. What started with hope and anticipation, lead to worry, heart ache, then devastation, grief, and sorrow. Peace is breaking its way in. A sense of calm. There is still sadness and tears but not so much that I feel consumed.
5 weeks ago, Steve and I were shocked but thrilled to find out we were pregnant again. It was amazing and we were so grateful we were given the opportunity to have another baby. We were ready to tell the world next week after we had an ultrasound. I was dreaming about how I would want to announce. Just the pic of our darling gummy bear like last time, or be a little creative and come up with a photo of some sort.
Then Sunday came. I was feeling a little off, super emotional and fighting a migraine. Monday I woke up with a terrible headache and cold like symptoms. Then the cramping and spotting started. Praying it was normal I tried to ignore it and took it easy. Things got worse Monday night. Tuesday morning I called the doctor and things so far sounded okay so I was again just supposed to rest. By that afternoon it became apparent that this was no longer normal and something was wrong. Another call, and I had an ultra sound scheduled for the next morning and an appointment that afternoon to meet with a physician for the results. Awesome...6 hours of waiting and to top it off, my OB was on vacation so it was someone I didn't know.
The irrational side of me was going to try to go to work before the 1st appointment. It's employee evaluation time and I am soooo behind. But I was such a hormonal wreck and the whopping 8 hours of sleep I'd had the last two days were starting to catch up. One weepy phone call later and I was off for the rest of the week. Now just waiting for the appointments.
I was scouring babycenter and their groups, trying to find a story that sounded like mine but ended up okay. I was ready to be on bed rest if I needed. Praying for any complication that would cause this bleeding. Deep down I knew it wasn't okay but I wanted to flame that tiny spark of hope
I was trying so hard to keep it together as we pulled into the clinic parking lot. Thank God there weren't a lot of cars there. No one else was in the lobby either...another blessing. When I checked in, I found my friend, who is the ultrasound tech, had found an opening in the schedule right after my ultrasound so I didn't have to come back. What a blessing!
We started the ultrasound and I could tell by how little my uterus looked that something wasn't right. It was much bigger at this stage with Lincoln. Structurally everything looked good for me, and then we looked at the baby. It was too little and there wasn't a heart beat. My little angel stopped growing and passed away 3 weeks ago. I don't know why but someone that was more comforting to me than the thought of my body just rejecting the baby all together (I had read some pretty horrible and descriptive stories online...don't recommend it).
Some how I held it together until we got the to room to meet with the physician. While slightly awkward being with staff I didn't know, they all were so sweet and understanding. The doctor was great, answered all my questions. Agreed on a plan for things to go naturally, but had instructions if certain complications arise.
Steve and I just sat in the car for a while. I cried, called my mom. Started dealing with what was happening know that we knew for sure.
As the day progressed, things physically became more difficult but I almost didn't mind. It is like my body is grieving with me. Some physical pain to go along with the emotional pain. I'm still mad at my body. I feel like it betrayed me for 3 weeks. I still felt so pregnant, yet my baby was already in heaven. That is one thing I am clinging to. That my sweet babe is there already in the arms of Jesus.
And THANK GOD for Lincoln. Having him to hold, kiss and cuddle has been so wonderful. I can't imagine how empty I would feel without a baby physically here.
So I am up this morning and shortly after a crack of lightening lights up my living room. Intense thunder follows, this goes on for a while. A part of me feels scared, which is weird because usually I am the first one up for some good thunder and lightening display. Maybe it is just the raw state of my emotions, maybe it's the lack of control over things I have and now it's being displayed in the skies for me to see. What ever it was, I was overwhelmed with God's sense of peace. I felt like He was telling my heart "give this to me" and I try.
My mind has been running through future hurts with the loss of the baby. It's due date, the pictures I had planned on taking on certain holidays, trips already planned with the baby in mind. They are going to hurt, but I can curl up in God's arms and just rest in Him. He's in control. I don't understand everything, and never presume I will but I don't need to hang onto to worry. Worrying keeps me from trusting and enjoying God's presence.
I think I have rambled enough for now. I can't thank my family and friends enough for the outpouring of love and support during this very difficult time. Even if their first knowing of the baby was hearing of its passing I feel they are mourning with us. Thank you so much!
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